Solve Birthday Blues

I recently turned 23, which when all considered is an irrelevant year with that within the context of life is insignificant. Far from being a milestone and barring anything personally momentous occurring, over time it becomes muddled into the twenty somethings. I struggle with birthdays regardless of the number; the irony of celebrating your birth, facing my predetermined mortality while struggling with chronic suicidal radiation is just another exhibition of sadistic tendencies. For me birthdays are firmly entrenched in the complexities of existential crisis, coupled with a mental health crisis, obsession and PTSD. They sit as annual reminders to a life I frequently wish to terminate and consist of frequent provocation  and prompts to act upon impulse and yearning. I spent my birthday crying, cutting, overeating and purging and through the self-destruction, I devised a list of things I wish to incorporate into my life before my next birthday

1. Maria, don’t proceed to go the extra mile, if you lack the energy to reach the starting line I have a fixation on the attainment of external validation and frequently sacrifice my survival in a pursuit for self-worth. These feelings of inadequacy in conjunction with abandonment issues make it impossible to exhibit self-preservation. I have an affliction of lending my self to being used and maltreated for minuscule amounts of gratitude. In this next year I want to stop exhausting energy reserve to help people. There’s no use in jeopardizing in my entire existence due to in in grain fear of people leaving me. I need to stop living on egg shells and permitting my needs to remain unmet, due to a fear of . If someone wants to leave because my usefulness is expired or compromised, Maria I beg let them leave

2. Maria, every single feeling & emotion you experience is justifiable and legitimate

Under the guise of mental health I’m quick to diminish and disregard feelings of pain, anguish, rage or sorrow.  Integral to my medical diagnosis and a core impediment to my quality of life, is inability to effectively manage my emotions or generate an appropriate response to a stimulus. In  mindfulness, I’m told to escape to a wise mind and make reasoned decision on rationalised emotions. This frequently cause me to disregard my  organic and intrinsic feelings and invalidate them as hyperbolic responses.  I strive to not make permanent decisions on temporary feelings, however that shouldn’t devalue the legitimacy of the feelings experienced. I’m allowed to be sad and angry if someone does a fucked up thing. I’ve realised to conceal foul behaviour , individuals will cross-examine your feelings and testimony, in a vindictive attempt to make  me feel irrational to cultivate self-doubt.

3. Maria, recognize the difference between acknowledgement, understanding and acceptance – acknowledge and process the red flags

“God loves a tryer” is a phrase that has shaped my life. The rhetoric of trials, tribulations and complications being a necessitous for life, has long been indoctrinated into my psyche. Harmful cliché such as “it’s the journey not the destination” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, encourages sadistic tendencies and self-sacrifice. It forms the basis to why ignore red flags and warning signs to abort missions and terminate friendships. The universe presents me with numerous Easter eggs alluding to my unhappy ending, however instead of heeding the warnings, I persevere because “I’m strong” and failing is presented as the absolute shame. Maria reject the connotations behind quitting and sometimes admit defeat. Admitting defeat is cauterisation; quitting is realising the continued exertion of effort,  endangers what left you have left.  There is dignity in defeat and no shame in quitting be content an attempt was made. 

4. Maria, love does not overcome toxicity 

As I alluded to earlier, I lend myself too freely to being used. I love both unconditionally and unsustainably. This frequently results in clouded judgement and inability to protect myself from negative and detrimental energies. I was recently told by @Kelechnekoff that the presence of love does not negate the person’s ability to hurt you. Friends and family have operated as the catalyst for several mental health crisis, attempts on life, cuts and tears  Too often we disregard the toxicity, problematic behaviour and the trauma inflicted upon us by our loved ones. I find that bullshit and toxicity tolerance levels, is increased when dealing with family friends. With romantic acquaintances, hints of maltreatment and ill intentions are rendered out with dexterity.  Whereas with friends because use of a perceived unconditional love, I falter   Not every friend wants you to be happy and not every friends wants you to be happy without them. So friends want to contribute to your happiness to  be recalled as a bargaining chip and function as emotional leverage.

5. Maria, you don’t need to be happy to exist

This thought is controversial but stop trying to be happy. Happiness may not be for you, financial and academic success may compensate… it may not. It’s okay to exist and just get through. The frequency with which I’m told to be happy, do what makes you happy, is infuriating. My psychiatrist told me my intended DBT, would improve my quality of life,  however this does not equal happiness. I’m  23, I’ve tried to be happy, at this moment in life, I will concede to just trying to be emotionally stable. Relying less on external validation to bolster my abysmal self-worth or supplement my lack of joie de vive, would be nice though.

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