I live in a frequent state of disassociation and escapism, so naturally a perpetual state of loneliness is expected. The lamentable and destitute state of the NHS and their subsequent failures in treating my ongoing mental illness, has entrapped me in a perennial state of isolation; I’m alone in my sorrow, alone in my pain and alone in my depression. Depression and anxiety is incredibly mentally isolating and triggers a retreat into a hermit like state and mild agoraphobia . Mental deterioration provides me with never-ending time to fixate on the negatives, causing the loneliness transcends to excruciating level. Unfortunately my loneliness extends past the mental realm into physical realm and the sense of feeling alone has penetrated into different aspects of my life.
Romantically unequivocably believe I deserve to be alone. Rightfully so, I’m chronically single with a barely existent but incredibly depressing dating history. I genuinely believe I shouldn’t be with anyone. No innocent sou should be lumbered and burdened with the complexities and emotionally draining nature of my mental health. I don’t think its right to lure people into my sorrow and chaos because I crave physical and emotional affection. My entire personality disorder is characterized by emotionally intensive feelings and strained interpersonal relationships. I’m an oscillating magnet, my attraction and repulsion fluctuate. As soon as I feel the attraction deepening, I become overwhelmed with panic and revolt against the relationship. This is facilitated by the idealized rhetoric of unrelenting and everlasting love and my belief that marriage is meant to be forever. You take vows before God, pledging to love incessantly through sickness or health. I think that my belief that romantic love is meant be forever and my self-awareness regarding my mental health, means I commence a relationship recognising that at some point there will be a crisis or breakdowns. This coupled with the crippling fear of being abandonment in my time of need or due to the fact that I’m emotionally unstable compels me to either push them away before they desert me or test them. I feel the need to continuously test their feelings in order to investigate their level of emotional attachment, genuineness of their feelings and how much of my mental health they can withstand. Most recently I was entangled in a situation where I resorted to verbally terrorising and insulting a guy I was dating, in an attempt to push him a way , diminish his feelings for me and terminate our situation. He was aware of my reasoning behind this behaviour and that my mental health was tainting my actions, which resulted in him trying to engage in a futile resistance. With hindsight I acknowledge that subconsciously I just wanted him to fight for me and prove I was worth more than my mental health. Poor guy all he did was just care deeply for me, give me affection and attention and provide me with everything I wanted from a relationship. But I spent 24 hours exploiting his deep-rooted insecurities and long-standing personal issues, in order to sour his feelings towards me.
On a platonic level I feel the most alone; I have friends but I’m alone. Like the majority of people, the amount of people I classify as friends has drastically dwindled over the years. This is partly due to mental health issues, partly due to maltreatment and sometimes due to the friendship simply running its course. Over the years I’ve been misled by empty promises from friends stating they’ll be there for me, yet I cry alone on the floor in the dark and go to A&E by myself. As a consequence I drown in persistent waves of perceived desertion, isolation and feelings of being let down. To all my current friends reading this, please refrain from taking this to heart but at some point you’ve probably let me down and contributed to my ineradicable and ingrained sense of feeling alone – it may have been conscious or subconscious decision – but sadly it occurred. Previously I believed that it was due to a lack of ignorance and understanding regarding my fears and needs, however I’ve realized that is largely due to self-interest and self-preservation. I no longer hold resentment at my in-aptitude to operate in this manner and I know I lack the self-serving attitude and desire to better myself. This aspect of emotional survival failed to materialise in my own psyche and I can’t blame my friends for wanting to survive and thrive. I, without concern for myself, commit wholeheartedly to the fulfilment of my friend’s needs. I’m a proprietor of favours, emotionally exhaustive tasks and non-reciprocated IOU. My friend’s gratitude operates as currency to purchase future acts of devotions and that I convert into external validation to appease my fragile self-identity. My abandonment issues causes me to make myself appear indispensable to friends through the donation of my time, energy and talents in order to better their lives. My entire existence is reduced to simply fuflling a function and operating as a platform to better things. Once the objective is achieved an inveitable shift and deterioration in our friedndship occurs – messages become less frequent, replies decrease in speed and conversations become 2 dimensional and without substance. I feel the love dissipate almost immediately, sometimes the change is miniscule but I feel emotions intensely so everything registers on a heightened level. This in conjunction with my predisposition to split and perceive things in black and white, make me come to the conclusion that no one deserves me as a friend. Quite franky I excert a surplus and unsustainable amount of love. Entering a wise mind I understand that although my platonic feelings will never fully be reciprocated, I’m not going to terminate all my existing friendships and become friendless – I’m trying to stop my mental health from destroying my quality of life.
So to circle back why do I feel so alone, despite residing in a city populated by 60 million people and the ability to communicate with people on a global scale? It’s probably because I am alone, sometimes I deserve to be alone, sometimes it’s self imposed loneliness, sometimes my friends leave me, either way I’m alone.