I Don’t Know If I Should Keep It Real & Tell You How I Feel

​Platonic as described its namesake is the truest form of love. I regard platonic love as the meeting of the minds. When I gain a new close friend I physically love that individual; I love our convos, memories and and inside jokes. I’ve previously stated that I have yet to fall in love, as the concept of love requires the extradition of logic and for the individuals to act without reason. Loving someone is the ultimate show of verity, honesty and openness, the mere nature of love requires level of sincerity and affection that can only be created by a genuine covenant between two souls. Consequently to love and not have those feelings reciprocated in incredibly despairing and heart-breaking.

“I don’t really want to compromise our friendship, but I got a thing for you… and I don’t really want to cross the line, but I’m kinda really hoping that we do”

tumblr_m7yj0nAdVE1r68pp3o1_500On a personal note, I tend to refrain from commencing relationships with an individual’s who previous relationship was strictly platonic. The best relationships are thought to have its foundations in friendship, however the oursuit of this relationship may leave you at risk to becoming a victim of the perpetual friend zone. Relegation to the friend zone is incredibly difficult as you’ve developed romantic feelings for someone, who doesn’t perceive you in the equivalent way. Although you’ve attempted to make subtle hints to indicate your true feelings and fulfil your romantic fantasies, the friend in question, rather than reciprocating the affection, subtly rebuffs your romantic exploits. This situation becomes increasingly agonising as they dexterously emphasize the strictly friendly nature of your relationship or their romantic interest in someone else. The phrased “You’re such a good friend” and “Do you mind me telling my parents, I’m with you while I go and see…”, cut deep. Observe the object of your affections, fall for someone is painful The friendzone dictates a situation where you’ve attempted to sacrifice the 50% for 100% but the resultant rejection forced demotion and consignment back to the 50%. Fortunately I’ve had the ill-fortune of being in the friendzone, as I’ve never allowed myself to be that open. When situated in the friendzone you can either explicitly state your intentions, let the situation bleed and continue to endure the friendzone or cauterize the wound, renounce the friendship and abscond with your pride intact but your broken-hearted.

friendzone2

“Sometimes when you look me in the eyes, you hold it for too long and I start to blush. Sometimes when you say hello, you take me in your arms and I get this rush”

I’m speaking from experience. The majority of my friendships were with the opposite sex, my oldest friend in the world is male and my recreational time was dominated by tomboy like activities. I’m ashamed to admit that I have a tendency to develop a physical attraction to some of my friends, however there was an incident where I think I almost fell in love. I’m normally able to distinguish and segregate my platonic feelings from my romantic feelings, but my defence mechanism of emotional detachment and disengagement, failed me. It was between the ages of 16-18, I was reaching emotional maturity while going through a difficult time in my life and unfortunately I formed an unhealthy dependency on him. A lot of my happiness was encircled in our friendship and I fell in love with him spiritually, I looked into his soul and honestly our consciousness just intertwined. I was completely transfixed and encapsulated by his warmth, his kindness towards me and our conversation. The happiest moments of my life are the times spent on his sofa, inebriated, completely intoxicated in his aura, engrossed in the conversation behind the background of the Chelsea match flickering on the TV. The physical interaction was minimal, no bed sharing or unnecessary spooning,  nothing more than locked arms as we walked to the bus stop and lingering goodbye embraces, where we rocked from side to side as we waited for TFL. But he was my best friend and my feelings failed to be recognised or reciprocated. In all honesty, I nLoving Someoneever made him aware of my feelings. He loved me in the way I needed, instead of the way I wanted. Ultimately I was forced to break my own her and de-friend him, I loved being a part of his life but it wasn’t in the capacity I would love and witnessing and just knowing that. To a large extent it fucked with my already fragile self-esteem. As his best friend I had to irrelevant spectator as he ran through all these bitches and I just didn’t appear on his erotic radar. The girls who were prettier than me destroyed my self-confidence and the bitches who were just skinnier than me obliterated any remnants of my sense of worth. Deep down I’m aware that if our friendship had blossomed into romance, I would have loved him unconditionally as to this day, he unknowingly still possesses a piece of my heart

And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you & now there’s just no way we can be friends” 

wp-1533673503944.jpgAlthough I took the less problematic method of escaping the emotional turmoil, with hindsight I have recognised I took the incorrect exit out of the situation. I failed to inform of him of my romantic feelings for him or maintain our friendship, consequently I demoted our relationship from 50% to 100%, without any attempt to achieve the divine love I craved.  To this day, I regularly deliberate on whether I should have admitted my feelings, considering the fact that I had plans to terminate the friendship anyways. Making the transition from platonic love to the divine love, is complex and complicated. It’s a decision to be openly defenceless and situated in a completely vulnerable state and the ultimate wager of the heart. The situation exemplifies my propensity to split and the all or nothing gamble; risk 50% for 100%. It is more than just a change of state, admitting your true romantic and erotic feelings to your best friend is a chemical reaction of the highest degree. Once the feelings have been exposed, things will never be the same. The explosion of the implications from opening Pandora’s Box is not containable, it permeates into every aspect of your friendship; nonetheless I regret not informing him. How do you approach you best friend and tell him you love him? What concoction of words and phrases do you deploy to notify him of your amendment in feelings?

“How do you make the change from friends to lovers, when you risking looking like a fool? Maybe it will be safer playing sister and brother, but I’m going crazy trying to stay cool”

Since this situation I’ve developed a strategy, where I anticipate my feelings intensifying and to avoid any further accumulation of feelings, I removable their eligibility as prospective lover. There has been instances when I’ve been single and observed someone I’m attracted to expressing loving feelings to someone other than me. Its disheartening and in order to diminish my lust and attraction, I frequently pair the attractive friend off with another friend, as that instantly removes any romantic feelings I previously possessed. Alternatively you could remove your own moral eligibility, find a distraction in another partner and shift your affections unto a new prospect.  This is a particularly dangerous situation, as you may just complicate the situation further and involve an innocent party into the mix. You may be imprisoned in an old school Usher Raymond situation, where you spend your days fatasizing about someone the person you know your heart is truly destined for and wanting to depart the shallow relationship you currently reside. Commencing a new relationship, when you there’s already pre-existing feelings for someone you’re in close contact with, will beget an inability to commit emotionally to the new relationship.

We could be perfect, we could be useful, it could be worth finding out”

93697-Flirtationship-I’ve also had situation where there was a mutual understanding, between me and an individual that there was something more than friendship present in our relationship. There was an awful lot of denial on my part and I refuse to outwardly admit any non-platonic feelings and rationalised our connection as a developed flirtationship.  He failed to tick several of my relationship compatability criteria, but he understood me in a way I haven’t experienced for a long time. I had a plethora of reasons not to upgrade our relationship, most notably, the fact that he was a fuckboy individual, whose appearance failed to stutter my ovaries despite not being unttractive whatsoever. There was undercurrent of sexual tension and I let the flirtationship progress further than I should’ve permitted whilst he ran through hoes with careless abandon, remorselessly manipulated innocent virgins and personified the “bitch nigger” mentality, I taught myself to circumvent.  Any development into a romantic relationship would have resulted in an unhealthy and jealousy filled, tainted love situationship, which quite frankly I did not have the time or effort to tolerate.  Needless to say I terminated that friendship, he continues to fuck around and  I’m okay with that because I’m no longer involved in any capacity. The relationship was founded on the fact that it was cuffing season – I wanted to be cuffed, winter roast and loneliness had settled in – and the majority of our interactions were in a group dominated by couples. Suffering the heartbreak of losing my best friend, has altered the way I conduct friendships. I tend to invest my absolute into my friendship and adopt a motherly persona: cooking, cleaning etc. These actions can frequently be misconstrued as assuming the wifey role but these characteristics are firmly embedded in my persona.  But as I’ve stated prior, I’ve developed a coping mechanism and although sometimes I falter and form intense flirtationship or friendship with colleagues or attractions to my friend’s siblings and peripheral acquaintances, I’m yet to capture deep feelings for a close friend.

Sometimes the nature of a best friendship with someone you find sexually attractive is just a recipe for disaster. I think it’s definitely healthy to be friends with people of the opposite gender but clear boundaries must be set. The worst thing you could so it enter into a friends with benefit situation with your best friends because those overlapping characters equals the main components of a relationship. However an arrangement consisting of all those components without the title or the commitment, is a situation doomed for heartache and heartache similar to grief, is one of the most extreme emotions any individual can feel. Sometimes falling in love your friend is inevitable and sometimes it leads to the perfect relationship, however sometimes it just leads to the loss of a close friend. If you’re ever in that situation, just follow your heart because the worst thing you could do is have regrets of sleepless night what could’ve/should’ve been.

3 Comments on “I Don’t Know If I Should Keep It Real & Tell You How I Feel

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