How do you solve a problem like Maria? You give her the most amazing best friend, regular DBT meetings, compliant medication and regular orgasms; I have 2 out of 4 so the working out is there but there’s no answer. So how else do you solve a problem like Maria…you love her in the way she wants to be loved.
Love is such a complex verb and I don’t think any dictionary could comprehensively define it. Love exists is many forms and is manifested in so many differing ways. A couple of years ago I explored my ‘Love Languages’ and how I best express love to others and want to be loved. There are 5 love languages: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.
I have low self-esteem so for me feeling like an imposition and asking for help is something I struggle with extremely. Subsequently the greatest thing a loved one can do for me is donate their time and be there for me rather than just saying so. I hate to be cliché but actions really do speaker than words. I rarely ask for support when I’m struggling or overwhelmed, so when people recognised I’m swamped and volunteer their time to be there for me /without obligation or intended reciprocation), the warmth and love I feel is unrelenting. I hate it when people help me with the intention of throwing it back in my face or leveraging it for future favours. I just want someone to be there for me without hesitation and without having to ask. My best friend is my best friend because she’s the person who turns up at university accommodation at 3am, after I turned by phone off, because I’m going through an extremely hard time.
On the 7/7th day of christmas, after spending the past 6 days day showering her with gifts, Beyonce’s bae gave her “Quality T.I.M.E”. Nothing is better than when you’re drowning in alone in your feelings, to have company and comfort. “Netflix n Chill” has such bad and unjustified connotations attached but it’s literally one of my favourite things to do. Nothing pleases me more than watching TV/a film, eating pizza and a glass of wine with amazing company. There is something truly magical about being able to chill in silence with someone and comfortable. Cancelled and postponed plans feel like miniature heart breaks because I vibe off people’s physical energy. Romantically I just want the person’s undivided attention and the ability to soak in their aura, get to know them on and bond. I want them to completely immersed in the moment and listen to and process everything I say.
In the words of my role model Crissle West “Words mean things”. I’m always told to speak things into existence, say what I mean and verbalise what I want. I’m super verbally affectionate; I tell all my friends I love them repeatedly. I’m the queen of drunken professions of a love and general “you mean so much to me” texts. They’re increidbly cringe and soppy, but I need everyone I know to know how much they mean to me. I say it to others because I know its something I like to hear. I treat compliments and congratulations as trophies and percieve verbal criticism and critique as rejection.
Considering the fact that I’m quite a tactile and affectionate person, it maybe be a surprise that physical touch is quite low on the list. Many people assume my best friends and I, are lesbian lovers because we spoon, dry hump each other on the dance floor and my leg is almost permanently on or wrapped around her. I have a complicated relationship with physical touch and require a specific level of trust and assurance to be comfortable enough to be touched by someone. Not everyone needs to touch me to love me. I hate being hugged when I’m upset because that level of vulnerability is unnerving – just sit with me and tell me things are going to be okay. The need for physical touch in platonic relationships is minimal and is and only really is pertinent in amorous relationships.
It’s not that I don’t like receiving gifts, it’s just not a priority. I’m always super grateful -even if I don’t like the present – it’s just not someting I crave. I love gifts where the sentiment and feelings behind is emphatic and I can tell the person spent time thinking about it. I cry when I receive gifts 100% perfect for me. Either way its the thought that counts and my favourite thing anyways is to read the card that comes with the gift.