So it’s that time of the year, I’m dating again. Yayy…not! I’m the original anti-dater; I’m just too awkward, it feels like a job interview and my anxiety is crippling. So then why am I subjecting myself to this torture again? My desire to enter into the dating pool is for several reasons; my brother’s wedding is within the month (I have no intention of trying to catch the bouquet); the thought of another cold and isolating winter alone, “frustrated and emotionally destitute is disheartening ; also “I would be lying if I said” that Dani and Jack from Love Island didn’t have me in firmly situated in my feelings.
“I’d be lying if I be saying you weren’t something I wasn’t into”
Also I’m a second generation Nigerian and echos of “when will you marry” and “your mates in the village are…” have encircled my safe place. Trying to watch Rick & Morty while being tormented by constant reminders of my biological clock is beyond infuriating. It’s intriguing that despite the clear and distinct differences in Western and African culture, both are emphatic in their pursuit to marry females of a certain age. It’s instilled from in females from an early age that their entire existence is focused on matrimony. I grew up on fairytales where single character was either married, widow or a mythical creature. This isn’t another feminist article on the inherit misogyny within Disney – the rhetoric is quite frankly played out. Disney’s archaic portrayal of females as invalids who exist solely to be rescued by their Prince Charming beyond problematic but at least they’re trying to rectify it. I just think it’s particularly telling that in the original version of the fairy tale, Prince Charming preys on Princess Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty’s vulnerable status, kiss and then rape mid slumber. “Prince Charming” thought it was appropriate to have the resultant children feed off her teats likes a sedated cow – Aannnywhooos…. the obsession with sinless copulation and matrimony doesn’t lie solely with Disney, romantic comedy and dramas are essentially adult fairy tales and fuel spinster guilt.
“Meet me at the altar in her white dress, we ain’t getting any younger we might as well do it… Let’s get married”
Much like the Disney princesses I grew up on, I just want a nice and kind guy. Some people used to have “dreams of fuckin’ one of these little rappers”, that was never me… I wanted a simple guy who’s want to settle down and with to have 2.4 children. I tell everyone all I want is affection, attention and warmth. Sincerity and honesty would be nice too but alas that’s not my fate. Unfortunately I’m stuck in a cycle of dating “ain’t shit” guys. I’m not the type to ignore the red flags in a relationship and any suspicions of deceit, malice or fucketry results in termination. Sadly I’m fooled by their sheep clothing and I fall victim to the faux nice guy and pseudo Prince Charming. The only guys interested into me are less Prince Charming, more Prince Charles with a wife, a girlfriend and separate side chick.
“Trying to convince myself I’ve found one… Making the same mistakes I never learned from”
During my teen years I went through a persistent phase where I wanted someone damaged or mentally unstable. My hormones were polarizing, which combined with my emotionally intensive nature had me craving a passionate and volatile Bonny and Clyde situation. My soul epitomizes the tortured artist and it floated around trying to find its pair. I wanted someone unbridled, uncensored an unrestricted, who didn’t think about the consequences. I wanted the combustion at the expense of my sanity. Love was fire and the physical heat came with an unforgiving burn. But then you go through crisis and realize actually lets go for a nice.,emotionally regulated individual, who you know when they’re choking you its not to kill you.
“Treat me life fire, into the pain…I’m in the light I glow, But you know not to touch me, cause it might burn , if it don’t work. But soon you’ll see the truth after the smoke”
So my next type was the Yoruba demon. I’m not going to divulge too much about the situation but niggas lie and sell dreams. I have a degree in pree’in, I was running CRB checks before they were a thing. Half an hour sifting through various pages online, exposed and unravelled every lie he told me. I feel sorry for those girls with Peter type boyfriends, who are willing to deny your existence with no hesitation or remorse. He may have denied her but their tumblr page dedicated to the beloved couple was proof enough. That was the first time Iever fixated on someone, I used to tell all my friends he had a holiday house in my head. I had 2 days of moping then threw an epic drink up to drown the house and get over him. I threw up that night but I never thought of him romantically again.
“I heard it all before, All of your lies, All your sweet talk: Baby this, baby that… But your lies ain’t working now, look who’s hurting now. See I had to shut you down”
Regrettably, I let myself be fooled and I feel like that situation/ changed the type of guy I attract. I’m in a cycle of falling for the wrong type of guy. Like I stated earlier, it’s not even the case of where I go for bad boys and obvious serial cheaters, that’s not my type and after years of emotionally destructive treatment I just want a nice guys. No one gets my attention if I don’t think they’re a nice guy but then I date them and I smell the shit on the roses. They always turn out to be horrid individuals with insincere feelings . For awhile I thought it must be me, I must convert these nice guys into fuckboys. I believes that my people pleasing antics, low self-esteem and fear of abandonment enabled their treatment of me and transformed me into an easy target to misuse. At this point, I was too lost in the fuckboy sauce and began to doubt myself. I forgot niggas lies and are generally not shit. Therapy helped me realise that I can’t blame myself for the bad behaviours of others. Men are trash, men have been trash and men will stay trash. I know this isn’t inclusive of all men but I feel like I attract trash. Trash who pretend to be who sell dreams of being there when I’m insecure, mid crisis or want intimacy, but actually point out my flaws, are emotionally manipulate and spread their seed in every garden.
“I swear I always fall for your type, tell me why I always fall for you type… I just can’t explain this shit at all”
I’m not even saying that I don’t find nice guys but in those cases, fate conspires against me and it doesn’t work out. The past couple of guys who I’ve genuinely considered spending the rest of my life with were the nicest of people. They were sweethearts with good values and seemed like they would support me in the hard times. Unfortunately it was wrong time. One person was mid research/medical school and wouldn’t have had enough time for me. My mum would have loved him but I couldn’t endure feeling lonely whilst technically not alone. The other guy was fresh out of a relationship and in a complicated situation mentally. It didn’t feel like a rebound or a “break” situation, it just didn’t work out, we talk platonically and he said I should call him handsome if I mention him in my blog. Thankfully I respect myself enough to not put my life on hold and wait in anticipation for these guys, just in case our fates re-align. They’re going to make wonderful husbands, just not to me. Now I just have to wait for the guy who’s going to be a wonderful husband to me. Wish me good luck!