To Be Or Not To Be, That Is The Question

 

In the words of Keyshia Cole, “I changed my mind, I don’t want you no more”. I feel like I’ve only just finished editing my last post about re-entering the dating pool, only for me to decide “computer says no”. In the past couple months I’ve been on a few dates and talked to a few guys and have come to the decisive conclusion that dating definitely for mr. I’m officially tapping out! I’ve realised that there’s probably a reason why I’ve been alone for so long. Some guys prematurely ejaculate, I on the other hand, prematurely invest emotions into individual and situations. I commit too early and lack the emotional maturity to serial date. Its 2018 and I’m meant to be talking to multiple people, but I’m the dickhead who finds a favourite and alienates all other suitors, who eventually get sick of being ignored and stop trying. Regrettably  although I would’ve severed ties with all other potential baes, my favourite wouldn’t have and “Mrs. Moves Too Slow” over here is subjected a sad yet familiar conversation.wp-1534673032041.gif  “Maria, you’re a lovely girl and I like you, but there’s someone else… you’re amazing/ a catch… you’ll find someone”.  This means I have to start the arduous process of finding someone else again and I feel like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of getting to know someone but nothing serious materializing;I hate this process!

It’s emotionally draining and a wasteful exertion of energy. I hate being subjected to an a militia of questions all on the same topic – what do you do for work, how long have you been single, what do you do in your spare time etc. Even when we pass the initial formalities, it’s still an extremely frustrating situation because the majority of apparently “available” guys are incredibly annoying, obnoxious, overtly sexual or have conflicting sociopolitical views as me. The fact is dating unless for business purposes has always relied on the person’s appearance. I’m not sating that this is necessarily a bad thing because honestly a certain level oh physical attraction is required. Like in an ideal world I’d be with someone who’d stimulate me mentally but would also make me want to jump their bones. Unfortunately the likelyness of this occurring is incredibly minimal, most have disgusting views towards women or are incredibly stupid. I don’t mind a lack of academic knowledge – formal education isn’t for everyone – but no common sense, a lack of wokeness or ignorance regarding certain political views is something I won’t tolerate. I don’t have to luxury of not belonging to several marginalised groups and I need someone encouraging and supporting of my endeavours to eliminate misogynoir, bigotry and oppression.wp-1534673124362.gif In open conversation I frequently express my views on certain issues and if I don’t like the person’s response, I’m immediately over them. I’m often presented with the meaningless and obsolete response of “I hear that, but I’m not really into it”, guess what I’m not really into you.

This situation is intensified by the fact that I have to schedule dates in between my obsessively anxious behaviour that makes me plan events months beforehand and days dominated my depression and ideation. Also once I get to know the person I then have to decide when to disclose my emotional instability. Normally when I tell guys, I’m emotionally unstable they laugh and insert a comment alluding to all females being emotionally unstable.I don’t find it funny and then have to awkward explain I have a universally medically recognised mental health condition called Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder. I simplify it to anxiety, depression and bad moods swags with  hyper-sensitivity and inability to deal with stressful things. I get the “oh it’s not bad…  I don’t mention the dissociation, cutting or ideation –

The fact that Adele is working on another album to be released next year, is God telling me “no boo, it’s not for you”. I cannot experience another heart break or the inevitable emotional turmoil, while sobbing to Adele again. After ‘Birthday Blues’, I promised myself I would spend chapter 23 working on myself. I’m going to spend this year committing to therapy and medication – if a nigger decides to sweep me of my feet so do it but I’m heavy. I have emotional baggage and I eat a lot of cheesecake. I’m fine being single its, just a lonely existence. I “self indulge” enough to know I’m lonely not horr

Other than that I’m gucci and laidback. All I need in this life of sin is the 4Cs: correct grammar, consistency, cunnilingus and cuddles.

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