Dating while depressed is just an extremely difficult process and a hard decision to make. The very nature of dating and opening up your heart to someone requires vulnerability and a certain fragility. Allowing myself to be that vulnerable and open while already in a compromised headspace is draining. Furthermore current dating protocols mean everyone is most likely dating multiple people simultaneously. This conflicts with my severe insecurities, I hate feeling like I’m competing when I feel like a perpetual loser. Before every date I have to convince myself that I’m worth it, the guys not going to leave when he sees me.
Are you here to set me up, get me hyped, turn around just to leave my life
One of the my main struggles with dating depressed is that when I’m in melancholia’s stranglehold, I feel depleted of all energy and happiness. I can’t breathe, life becomes saturated of colour things move slow. Even when going through stages of passive stability, I struggle trying to navigate the complexities of modern dating, the feelings of inadequacy and despondency when rejected, As a person who is afflicted with emotionally intensive personality disorder (alternative name for EUPD), all these feelings are exacerbated when depressed. When I’m depressed, I’m barely functioning, consequently having to exert the little energy I do have, into emotionally and physically preparing myself for a date, is almost impossible. My underlying low self esteem and embedded with anxiety means I hate getting dressed up even when stable. Add depression and all I want to do is be at home… alone… in bed.
Unfortunately this makes it hard for me to date someone because I don’t want to transform them into a crutch or safety blanket. The worst thing I do as indiviaul is invest my happiness in someone else. The increased oxytocin and adrenaline produce post sex increases your serotonin levels. Being a “Rob Kardashian” is not my prerogative – a new relationship or exciting sex is not a band aid to a mental health condition. The inevitable chemical reaction combined with my self esteem and abandonment issues, leads to an unsustainable situation where I operate in a manner devoid of emotional maturity. I place the dude before myself creating a sense of comfortability and overwhelming sense of subservience, that establishes bad habits and promotes their transition into trash.
Are you here to rescue me… Are you here to pillow talk, Or are you here to bounce and pull out shit gets hard
But then what’s the alternative, stay single and lonely for the rest of my life. I go back and forth with the concept of being alone frequently. I don’t mind being alone but loneliness isn’t something I’m meant for. I think isolating myself and removing myself from feeling romantic love is a destructive form of self indulgence. It would be easier to just wither away into a regretful spinster. It would be safer but love isn’t safe and I can’t operate my life in safe mode. I’ve looked into the windows of my soul and it told me I’m a sentient creature who deserves to feel loved. A relationship wont change
Are you here to make shit right, Are you hear to loan me your chest when I cry at night
I wanted to include a set of rules and regulations for dating while depressed but unfortunately I’m still living through it. Hence why this is only part one, I can’t wait for you to read part 2 but the way my depression, and dating life is set up means it could be a while. Originally I was going to make it one long article but I’m learning not to split and deal in absolutes. In a personal manner (non professional capacity) I’m allowing myself to not be perfect – this blog and it all its errors and mistake is a platform for me to practice being imperfect and flawed.