It’s been a while since I last wrote anything to post but I thought this seems like the most appropriate place to start. I’m still trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Maria, but I’m coming to terms that this may no longer happen. It’s not that I think things are unable to get better but I think I’ve transitioned from trying to solve my problem to managing my issues. Maria is evolving – I’m focussing on managing my emotions, managing my stress; managing my ability to savour the few joys I experience.
“You made my life complete, You are so sweet no one competes“
Someone who is helping me manage is my new boyfriend Nathan. As cliché as it sounds, I met him at a time where I felt like I was struggling to manage with the banalities and reality of life. I was mid depression trying to adjust to a new form of normality – carnival didn’t revive me and the idleness of no work but an inability to work was draining and numbing. But then unexpectedly I found Nathan him and I hate to quote Ginuwine “My whole life has changed, since you [Nathan] came in.” My Disney like perception of love which had remained dormant since the beginning of Temi situation, before the infidelity and disrespect kicked in and tainted my mindset.
The cynic that I am writes this with article with fear and apprehension. Petrified of jinxing the bliss I call the honeymoon stage of my environment – the ghost of each failed situation, recycled apologies and reused coping mechanisms linger in my memory banks. In my draft post are 3/4 disregarded heartbreak and mourning posts – posts that I started but became too overwhelmed with grief to complete. I could list off all my heart breaks in a remix to Jhene’s Comfort Inn Ending but it feels more reminiscent of Jhene’s “You Are Here”. I’m in a euphoric sense of bliss and happiness; our relationship feels like light. As cliché as it seems, Nathan is the highlight of my day, a beacon out of my depression it feels like warmth.
I’m doing things I never do but I feel good, Why it take me so long me find you”
I’m not going to ebaorate on why this guy is so special to me. My aforementioned perpetual bad luck, overly paranoid and suspicious nature means there are some aspects I still want to keep myself. I’ve fluctuated between a feeling of content and infatuation. But this is the only guy I can say that in him I’ve met a husband. In Chiron I thought I had met a companion, in Temi I thought I had met a boyfriend but honestly in Nathan it feels like I’ve met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We feel like twin souls- in sync. He gets all my different personalities – we formed a friendship based on our mutual love of sports but we fell romantically for my corny and “minxy/nypho” side. In him I feel like utterly at ease and so comfortable with myself. This level of emotional support and genuine affection is foreign to me. It’s more than than refreshing i
“Without you right here having my back, I really don’t know where I’d be at”
Before I met him, I knew I needed him in my life in any capacity. Our personalities were perfect reflections of our ideal partner – he ticked all my boxes and even it was just friendship I needed him. It may not have been romantic but it was definitely a king of love. For me it became real the moment he held me and stared me deeply in my eyes – it was an incandescent glare that had the power to stop me from unravelling. His hesitant embrace – a product of society’s decision to instil power balances -was nonetheless endearing. To this day we argue over who’s punching (above their weight), in an adolescently adorable “no you hang up” manner.
Right now I live in colour and i would love to stay like this. Separated from the saturation of a solemn an single spinsterhood, I feel whole. The serene natures of our relationship feels like flying/ floating on our perfectly in sync wavelength. We move at the same pace and with the same intensity. The pragmatic realest in me acknowledges the fact that this relationships may not last but even if it doesn’t I will always love him. He is the first person to show me unconditional and non malicious love and I’ll never forget that.