My latest article on Millennial Femme dissecting 3 of the major issues conveyed in the online show Blue Therapy
Whether Blue Therapy is a piece of fact or fiction, the cultural relevance of the online miniseries cannot be denied. Blue Therapy uses the context of a “therapy session” to address the issues plaguing modern relationships. No stranger to “trash” guilt pleasure like entertainment, Blue Therapy and provides a reflection of modern relationships and attempts to marry 2nd generational.
Jamel & Deborah:The topics tackled in the therapy include conflicting priorities, trust and control issues
Paul & Chioma: The topics tackled in the therapy include Paul’s controlling nature, lack of romance and intimacy, different preferences.
If you’re unaware of the situation, Deborah wants her partner Jamel to take her on expensive holidays, fancy restaurants and shower her with luxury presents because that is what she expects from her partner and that is the experience Jamel provided in the preliminary…
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My latest article from Millenial femme on how to argue / disagree effectively with your partner.
As much as we’d love for our relationship to always be completely copacetic and devoid of any disagreements, with the way life is and stuff it throws at us we can sometimes feel like we’re stuck recreating John Legends’s ordinary people. Arguments to a certain extent are normal and it’s unrealistic to believe you and your partner are never going to argue.
Sometimes people have bad days and small trivial things that you would normally ignore trigger you and sometimes major, potentially relationship ending issues arise and have to be discussed.
Truthfully, no matter how much you’re in love and how compatible you are with someone, there’s always going to be a certain level (potentially minute) level of friction in your relationship. As someone whose largely unconfrontational and hates to argue with anyone I’m close with, I struggle to have effective arguments in my relationship. Consequently, I would avoid the…
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As someone who used to identify as perpetually single, I understand the anxiety surrounding February 14th.aka Valentine’s Day. Before my current relationship, I was yet to experience a romantic, non-platonic Valentines. Valentine’s Day compelled me to confront both internally and externally what I perceived as never-ending spinsterhood.
“I’m having a private party…Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here”
I remember the apprehension and dread, I used to feel at the thought of having to field questions from my mum and aunty about “where’s my boyfriends”. Years of soul searching helped me realise that there’s nothing wrong with being single. The biggest indictment on “aunty” culture is their harassment of black single women. The unnecessarily amplification of the demonization of black single woman, that occurs at Valentine’s Day needs to change. As cliché as it seems I’d rather be happy and alone, than suffering in a relationship. Men remain trash and sanity and safety over everything. I’m happy that in 2021, we are de-stigmatising being single, buying suction dildos and sending ourselves flowers.
“I’m havin’ a private party, learning how to love me. Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah”
Thankfully with fraternisation and flirtation extinct due to ongoing pandemic, being single is no longer perceived as indictment or failure. Although, the lockdown has made it more socially acceptable to be single, Valentine’s Day remains a hazardous holiday for singletons. Steeped in capitalism and patriarchy Valentines’ Day, is a hallmark holiday aimed to proliferate “single shaming” and rush woman into potentially unhealthy relationships. Being single in the digital era means having to be subjected to an influx of social media “couple goals”, triggering feelings of inadequacy. Exposed to falsities of happiness and I know in the past I wonder where’s my “somebody’s son”. My advice for singletons feeling lonely and left out this holiday, please remember that the majority of Valentine Day content, you’ll be subjected to isn’t a true reflection of someone’s relationship.
Started to feel a little pity that’s when I realized that, I gotta find the joy inside of me
Portraying a Pinterest perfect couple, I’ve seen people stuck in a toxic relationship who post their materialistic Valentine’s day experiences and presents, but knowingly suffering chronic infidelity and emotional manipulation.Don’t compare yourself to YouTube couples trapped In joyless, mort relationships, trying to exploits all the possible monetary value before they get caught in a lie. Valentine’s Day has matured into crude performatism, a band aid use to cover fatal relationship flaws with red flags. Make sure you delete all your dating apps for the weekend an, Valentine’s Day is not the time to be searching for a special someone. Dating apps that weekend, will be full of thirsty dudes trying to capitalise on loneliness single ladies may feel.
“I’m gonna take off all my clothes, look at myself in the mirror. We’re gonna have a conversation… we’re gonna heal the disconnection”
Mine Day isn’t a day to wallow, it’s the ultimate self care and relaxation day; use the day to pamper yourself. It’s time to get reacquainted with yourself and re-establish intimacy with yourself. We as women , particularly black woman, need o rebuild the romantic relationships with ourselves – the first love, should be self-love. Pour yourself a glass of your favourite red, white or rose – make sure to leave the bottle. Light some candles and play slow jams to soothe your soul.
Seduce each of your senses – spray your favourite fragrance, try on some lingerie or strip down into your birthday suit, look in the mirror and admire. I know for some, lockdown has caused weight gain causing dips in self-esteem – any changes in your body doesn’t detract from the fact you’re still the “Sugar, Honey, Ice, Tea” (SHIT). Tease yourself with a feather tickler to stimulate your nerve endings – turn yourself on.
Admire and caress your curves, embrace your flaws and recognise your achievements – compliment yourself. Speak affirmations in your life and verbalise 10 things you love about yourself, it’s time to reaffirm the reasons why you are. Due to our deviation from white patriachy, society has aimed to humble and diminish black woman. In 2021, we are normalising black woman practising self-indulgence and self-confidence. “Mine” Day is the optimal time to bring out your favourite suction toy, clit stimulator or dildo and “cater to yourself”. In the words of Tweet and Missy, “I looked over to the left I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself, I looked over to the left, I was feeling so good I had to touch myself”. If you consider yourself as spiritual, implement some masturbation manifestation. Masturbation manifestation is where you visualise goals you want to achieve as you bring yourself to climax. My favourite thing to do on Valentines Day is a yoni steam , there’s something incredibly powerful about cleansing your pussy from all the past penises that penetrated and break any soul ties.
Enjoy a soak in a luxurious and relaxing bubble or spiritual bath. Insert jiggle balls to contract and stimulate your walls. My body responds well to bath salts, essential oils. Depending on your pH balance allows, try bath fizzlers and bath bombs. If you plan on having a long steamy bath – make sure you’ve drank your 2 litres of water throughout the day. Follow the bath up with sweet smelling body cream, slip into a nice satin slip, between silk sheets.
“My body is beautiful and sacred and I’m gonna celebrate it
An article I wrote for Millennial Femme about the importance of protecting platonic relationships and how society’s forced copulation to facilitate the patriarchal agenda.
In an era of sexual liberty and casual sex with friends, I feel like I’m witnessing the end of true platonic friendships. There’s a common misconception that there’s sexual tension underpinning all friendships between men and women. Certain individuals tend to perceive friendship as the intermediary stage, that either precedes sexual relations or follows amicable breakups. I blame men’s perceived entitlement to the female body and society’s disposition to reward esteem to females based on their proximity / connection to men. A lot of women succumb to the pressures of patriarchy and struggle with the concept of being alone. Subsequently they try to transform every male interaction or male acquaintance into something romantic. A lot of women don’t understand the benefits that come with having a truly platonic relation and exclude a male acquaintance if…
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Like many other females I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Although considered mid-size and what society deems an acceptable palatable level of fat, up until recently I struggle with the concept that someone could love me in my current state. I struggled with existing as a black plus size woman, I very much believe that I was living as foil to highlight the beauty of conventional white patriarchal ideals. Embedded into my psyche was a notion that I was undesirable and undeserving of love. Through therapy I began to find self-love and identify black love as internal entity. Unfortunately. these feelings recently resurfaced due to the significant amount of weight I have gained in the past year. This can partly be attributed to the pandemic and the relating happy weight. My weight gain severely impacted my ability to feel desirable. Thankfully through my shadow work I’ve started…
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This is the first Christmas I am spending with my boyfriend’s parents. Last year I decided to skip it because I thought it was too soon into us dating, however this year I’ve decided to join them for our first major holiday together. Thankfully, me and his parents already have a good rapport so I’m not nervous about being there. Your first Christmas invite is potentially your induction into the family, it’s paramount that you make a good impression, regardless of whether you’ve already met them before. Here are my top 5 rules to follow, to make sure you’re first Christmas doesn’t become your last Christmas (RIP George Michael).
1. Tis the season of giving – Regardless of the race or culture, it’s impolite to turn up to someone’s house on a major holiday without a present. They’re about to feed you several courses and have you in their home…
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Struggling to find other reasons
To alleviate the pain that you just love for me a season
Trying to understand why after my initial appeal
You fail to feel anything real
You’re contempt for me, you can no longer conceal
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you stop this impending sorrow
The answer is no – you wont even like me in the evening
Your desire to be with me as fleeting
I can feel you love depleting
Feelings fleeting forever
Goodbye to the dreams of us ever being together
Good luck in all your future endeavors
Feelings fleeting forever contradiction in the pain
What was once feelings is now just distain
It’s been a while since I last wrote anything to post but I thought this seems like the most appropriate place to start. I’m still trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Maria, but I’m coming to terms that this may no longer happen. It’s not that I think things are unable to get better but I think I’ve transitioned from trying to solve my problem to managing my issues. Maria is evolving – I’m focussing on managing my emotions, managing my stress; managing my ability to savour the few joys I experience.
“You made my life complete, You are so sweet no one competes“
Someone who is helping me manage is my new boyfriend Nathan. As cliché as it sounds, I met him at a time where I felt like I was struggling to manage with the banalities and reality of life. I was mid depression trying to adjust to a new form of normality – carnival didn’t revive me and the idleness of no work but an inability to work was draining and numbing. But then unexpectedly I found Nathan him and I hate to quote Ginuwine “My whole life has changed, since you [Nathan] came in.” My Disney like perception of love which had remained dormant since the beginning of Temi situation, before the infidelity and disrespect kicked in and tainted my mindset.
The cynic that I am writes this with article with fear and apprehension. Petrified of jinxing the bliss I call the honeymoon stage of my environment – the ghost of each failed situation, recycled apologies and reused coping mechanisms linger in my memory banks. In my draft post are 3/4 disregarded heartbreak and mourning posts – posts that I started but became too overwhelmed with grief to complete. I could list off all my heart breaks in a remix to Jhene’s Comfort Inn Ending but it feels more reminiscent of Jhene’s “You Are Here”. I’m in a euphoric sense of bliss and happiness; our relationship feels like light. As cliché as it seems, Nathan is the highlight of my day, a beacon out of my depression it feels like warmth.
I’m doing things I never do but I feel good, Why it take me so long me find you”
I’m not going to ebaorate on why this guy is so special to me. My aforementioned perpetual bad luck, overly paranoid and suspicious nature means there are some aspects I still want to keep myself. I’ve fluctuated between a feeling of content and infatuation. But this is the only guy I can say that in him I’ve met a husband. In Chiron I thought I had met a companion, in Temi I thought I had met a boyfriend but honestly in Nathan it feels like I’ve met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We feel like twin souls- in sync. He gets all my different personalities – we formed a friendship based on our mutual love of sports but we fell romantically for my corny and “minxy/nypho” side. In him I feel like utterly at ease and so comfortable with myself. This level of emotional support and genuine affection is foreign to me. It’s more than than refreshing i
“Without you right here having my back, I really don’t know where I’d be at”
Before I met him, I knew I needed him in my life in any capacity. Our personalities were perfect reflections of our ideal partner – he ticked all my boxes and even it was just friendship I needed him. It may not have been romantic but it was definitely a king of love. For me it became real the moment he held me and stared me deeply in my eyes – it was an incandescent glare that had the power to stop me from unravelling. His hesitant embrace – a product of society’s decision to instil power balances -was nonetheless endearing. To this day we argue over who’s punching (above their weight), in an adolescently adorable “no you hang up” manner.
Right now I live in colour and i would love to stay like this. Separated from the saturation of a solemn an single spinsterhood, I feel whole. The serene natures of our relationship feels like flying/ floating on our perfectly in sync wavelength. We move at the same pace and with the same intensity. The pragmatic realest in me acknowledges the fact that this relationships may not last but even if it doesn’t I will always love him. He is the first person to show me unconditional and non malicious love and I’ll never forget that.
Sharifah is so much more than a best friend. I know everyone makes hyperbolic proclamations about their best friend being their soul mate but I genuinely believe Sharifah was the physical manifestation of everything my soul needed. Spending time with her feels like drinking from the Holy Grail, my soul feels replenished, the emotional pain subdues and things hurt less. The only way to describe the role of Sharifah in my life, is a life support machine. She is literally there to sustain me when I have nothing to give and no energy to live. I could write endless words to describe my love for Sharifah but the English language has ran of words to express my devotion. I tell everyone there is no me without her. She’s the reason why I still exist.
Sharifah came into my life at the perfect time. I expected to find a friend in Freshers – this but I never expected to find a soul mate. I needed a kindred spirit to accompany me through my journey to maturity and emotional stability. I could’ve done it alone but I didn’t want to; I thank God daily that I didn’t have to do it without her. A collision of fate and serendipity, our friendship was formed over a first day ice breaker and a priceless Parker pen. We bonded over our shared history of bad luck, mutual apprehension and parental pressures.
The difference in these 2 pictures is 6 years of friendships, tears, coursework deadlines. There are very few pictures where my smile is genuine and the happiness is real – 75% is attributed to her . People will never understand mine and Sharifah’s friendship. Sharifah’s entire demeanour is to live her best life and not take anything to seriously whereas my vibe can tend to be try exceedingly hard to not make a mistake. Mine and Sharifahs friendship consists of
– 10% of my leg on Sharifah’s shoulder essentially dry humping her and acting like lesbians
– 25% of laying in her bed in silence comfortable enough to be myself around
– 40% listening to each other problems and just trying to be there for each other
– 15% doing stuff no one else will want to do with each other