Blue Therapy: Addressing The Issues

My latest article on Millennial Femme dissecting 3 of the major issues conveyed in the online show Blue Therapy

Millennial Femme

Whether Blue Therapy is a piece of fact or fiction, the cultural relevance of the online miniseries cannot be denied. Blue Therapy uses the context of a “therapy session” to address the issues plaguing modern relationships. No stranger to “trash” guilt pleasure like entertainment, Blue Therapy and provides a reflection of modern relationships and attempts to marry 2nd generational.

Jamel & Deborah:The topics tackled in the therapy include conflicting priorities, trust and control issues

Paul & Chioma: The topics tackled in the therapy include Paul’s controlling nature, lack of romance and intimacy, different preferences.

Issue 1: You Want to Spend But I Want to Save

If you’re unaware of the situation, Deborah wants her partner Jamel to take her on expensive holidays, fancy restaurants and shower her with luxury presents because that is what she expects from her partner and that is the experience Jamel provided in the preliminary…

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Argue With No One Else But You

My latest article from Millenial femme on how to argue / disagree effectively with your partner.

Millennial Femme

As much as we’d love for our relationship to always be completely copacetic and devoid of any disagreements, with the way life is and stuff it throws at us we can sometimes feel like we’re stuck recreating John Legends’s ordinary people. Arguments to a certain extent are normal and it’s unrealistic to believe you and your partner are never going to argue.

Sometimes people have bad days and small trivial things that you would normally ignore trigger you and sometimes major, potentially relationship ending issues arise and have to be discussed.

Truthfully, no matter how much you’re in love and how compatible you are with someone, there’s always going to be a certain level (potentially minute) level of friction in your relationship. As someone whose largely unconfrontational and hates to argue with anyone I’m close with, I struggle to have effective arguments in my relationship. Consequently, I would avoid the…

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Private Party

As someone who used to identify as perpetually single, I understand the anxiety surrounding February 14th.aka Valentine’s Day. Before my current relationship, I was yet to experience a romantic, non-platonic Valentines. Valentine’s Day compelled me to confront both internally and externally what I perceived as never-ending spinsterhood.

I’m having a private party…Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here”

 I remember the apprehension and dread, I used to feel at the thought of having to field questions from my mum and aunty about “where’s my boyfriends”. Years of soul searching helped me realise that there’s nothing wrong with being single. The biggest indictment on “aunty” culture is their harassment of black single women.  The unnecessarily amplification of the demonization of black single woman, that occurs at Valentine’s Day needs to change. As cliché as it seems I’d rather be happy and alone, than suffering in a relationship. Men remain trash and sanity and safety over everything. I’m happy that in 2021, we are de-stigmatising being single, buying suction dildos and sending ourselves flowers.

“I’m havin’ a private party, learning how to love me. Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah”

Stay Strong Singletons

Thankfully with fraternisation and flirtation extinct due to ongoing pandemic, being single is no longer perceived as indictment or failure. Although, the lockdown has made it more socially acceptable to be single, Valentine’s Day remains a hazardous holiday for singletons.  Steeped in capitalism and patriarchy Valentines’ Day, is a hallmark holiday aimed to proliferate “single shaming” and rush woman into potentially unhealthy relationships. Being single in the digital era means having to be subjected to an influx of social media “couple goals”, triggering feelings of inadequacy. Exposed to falsities of happiness and I know in the past I wonder where’s my “somebody’s son”. My advice for singletons feeling lonely and left out this holiday, please remember that the majority of Valentine Day content, you’ll be subjected to isn’t a true reflection of someone’s relationship.

Started to feel a little pity that’s when I realized that, I gotta find the joy inside of me

Portraying a Pinterest perfect couple, I’ve seen people stuck in a toxic relationship who post their materialistic Valentine’s day experiences and presents, but knowingly suffering chronic infidelity and emotional manipulation.Don’t compare yourself to YouTube couples trapped In joyless, mort relationships, trying to exploits all the possible monetary value before they get caught in a lie.  Valentine’s Day has matured into crude performatism, a band aid use to cover fatal relationship flaws with red flags. Make sure you delete all your dating apps for the weekend an, Valentine’s Day is not the time to be searching for a special someone. Dating apps that weekend, will be full of thirsty dudes trying to capitalise on loneliness single ladies may feel.

“I’m gonna take off all my clothes, look at myself in the mirror. We’re gonna have a conversation… we’re gonna heal the disconnection”

Replace Valentines with Mine – Make It About You

Mine Day isn’t a day to wallow, it’s the ultimate self care and relaxation day; use the day to pamper yourself. It’s time to get reacquainted with yourself and re-establish intimacy with yourself. We as women , particularly black woman, need  o rebuild the romantic relationships with ourselves – the first love, should be self-love. Pour yourself a glass of your favourite red, white or rose – make sure to leave the bottle. Light some candles and play slow jams to soothe your soul.

Seduce each of your senses – spray your favourite fragrance, try on some lingerie or strip down into your birthday suit, look in the mirror and admire. I know for some, lockdown has caused weight gain causing dips in self-esteem – any changes in your body doesn’t detract from the fact you’re still the “Sugar, Honey, Ice, Tea” (SHIT). Tease yourself with a feather tickler to stimulate your nerve endings – turn yourself on.

Admire and caress your curves, embrace your flaws and recognise your achievements – compliment yourself. Speak affirmations in your life and verbalise 10 things you love about yourself, it’s time to reaffirm the reasons why you are. Due to our deviation from white patriachy, society has aimed to humble and diminish black woman. In 2021, we are normalising black woman practising self-indulgence and self-confidence. “Mine” Day is the optimal time to bring out your favourite suction toy, clit stimulator or dildo and “cater to yourself”.  In the words of Tweet and Missy, “I looked over to the left I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself, I looked over to the left, I was feeling so good I had to touch myself”. If you consider yourself as spiritual, implement some masturbation manifestation. Masturbation manifestation is where you visualise goals you want to achieve as you bring yourself to climax. My favourite thing to do on Valentines Day is a yoni steam , there’s something incredibly powerful about cleansing your pussy from all the past penises that penetrated and break any soul ties.

Enjoy a soak in a luxurious and relaxing bubble or spiritual bath. Insert jiggle balls to contract and stimulate your walls. My body responds well to bath salts, essential oils. Depending on your pH balance allows, try bath fizzlers and bath bombs. If you plan on having a long steamy bath – make sure you’ve drank your 2 litres of water throughout the day. Follow the bath up with sweet smelling body cream, slip into a nice satin slip, between silk sheets.

“My body is beautiful and sacred and I’m gonna celebrate it

Protect Platonic Friendships

An article I wrote for Millennial Femme about the importance of protecting platonic relationships and how society’s forced copulation to facilitate the patriarchal agenda.

Millennial Femme

Platonic – a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex

– Urban Dictionary

In an era of sexual liberty and casual sex with friends, I feel like I’m witnessing the end of true platonic friendships. There’s a common misconception that there’s sexual tension underpinning all friendships between men and women. Certain individuals tend to perceive friendship as the intermediary stage, that either precedes sexual relations or follows amicable breakups. I blame men’s perceived entitlement to the female body and society’s disposition to reward esteem to females based on their proximity / connection to men. A lot of women succumb to the pressures of patriarchy and struggle with the concept of being alone. Subsequently they try to transform every male interaction or male acquaintance into something romantic. A lot of women don’t understand the benefits that come with having a truly platonic relation and exclude a male acquaintance if…

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Dating & Relationships: Plus Size and Mid Size Edition

Millennial Femme

Like many other females I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Although considered mid-size and what society deems an acceptable palatable level of fat, up until recently I struggle with the concept that someone could love me in my current state. I struggled with existing as a black plus size woman, I very much believe that I was living as foil to highlight the beauty of conventional white patriarchal ideals. Embedded into my psyche was a notion that I was undesirable and undeserving of love. Through therapy I began to find self-love and identify black love as internal entity. Unfortunately. these feelings recently resurfaced due to the significant amount of weight I have gained in the past year. This can partly be attributed to the pandemic and the relating happy weight. My weight gain severely impacted my ability to feel desirable. Thankfully through my shadow work I’ve started…

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First Christmas

Millennial Femme

This is the first Christmas I am spending with my boyfriend’s parents. Last year I decided to skip it because I thought it was too soon into us dating, however this year I’ve decided to join them for our first major holiday together. Thankfully, me and his parents already have a good rapport so I’m not nervous about being there. Your first Christmas invite is potentially your induction into the family, it’s paramount that you make a good impression, regardless of whether you’ve already met them before. Here are my top 5 rules to follow, to make sure you’re first Christmas doesn’t become your last Christmas (RIP George Michael).

1. Tis the season of giving – Regardless of the race or culture, it’s impolite to turn up to someone’s house on a major holiday without a present. They’re about to feed you several courses and have you in their home…

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Anti-Ally: The MisogyNoir Behind Ally McBeal

*DISCLAIMER* – mentions of rape and mild reference of child abuse*

If there’s one thing I learnt in 2020, it’s how much early 90s to early 00s sitcom I can consecutively consume. While national lockdowns trapped me in a vicious cycle of binging on box sets, I stumbled upon Ally McBeal. I vaguely remember watching Ally McBeal as a child but to me, it was essentially a show with random breaks, dancing babies and a scarily thin white women, however the critical acclaim made feel compelled to re-watch. My naiveté failed to realise how critics (as well as award shows) are pillars of white patriarchy, with judgements that admonished anything that deviates from mainstream or multifaceted and complex portrayals of black women. Living in post “Me Too” movement, it’s troubling to see how archaic the portrayal of consent and reductive portrayal of black women

Ally McBeal – Season 1

I was always aware of society’s dedication to reinforce harmful depictions of outdated black stereotypes, however, I didn’t realise the extent or level of ferocity with which mainstream media violently perpetuated misogynoir. For those unfamiliar with the legal comedy, Renee Raddick is the only black main cast member in the show. The only other black females are fake “Pipettes” who are simply there to play back up to Elaine’s vein attempt to compensate for her insecurities. Product of objectification, the “Pipettes” are there to ooze sex appeal on demand, further conforming to society’s desire to hypersexualise black women in attempt to justify their dehumanise and eventual brutalise. In Renee, we see the Anti-Ally McBeal, her role as District Attorney places her in the villain and positions her in combative situations against the conventionally likeable characters and main protagonists. The juxtaposition between the fragile, pale and petit Ally McBeal (a hyper sensitive and flawed heroine who lacks control of all her mental faculties) against the curvaceous, vivacious and intelligent Renee Raddick (a pragmatic and confident woman) was intentionally harsh. I understand for the sake of plot the firm and must always win and by proxy Renee must always lose. But I found Episode 2.19 ‘Those lips, these hand’ deeply unsettling, specifically when Ally, in true W.W.W, devalues Renee’s aptitude and proficiency. Renee’s desire to be competent at her job frequently frames her as the aggressor. In ‘Those Lips, these Hands’ Renee is the villain for wanting to convict an individual who by his own admission, cuts off his wife’s hand. Renee is portrayed as the Anti-Ally, confident and competent and therefore the bully is incredibly disappointed especially when placed in the context of shows in the same era (e.g. Girlfriends). Unlike her counterpart, Renee Raddick is not driven to incompetency by her desire to find a husband and settle down. Reductive in their decision to resort to the angry black female, the writers seek to demonise confident black woman. If you’re scared of black women just say that.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 2089505312-3-1.jpg

The most overt representation of misognoir is the Episode 20 ‘The Inmates‘. In this episode Renee is on trial for breaks the neck of her date (Michael Rivers) who, when because frustrated at her failure to follow through with her flirtations and coquettish indications, tries to force himself sexually on her. In this altercation Renee first of all offers Michael a warning slap, which is retaliated with a slap from him before she is forced to produce a roundhouse kick. In his testimony, Michael talks about how Renee oozed sex appeal, how she grabbed him by the butt and how she invites him back to her flat. He fails to talk about her exclamations to “slow down… be practical”, her overall change in body language and her demand for him to leave. Men’s suppression of female voices and stripping of our ability to dictate terms or pace of sexual interactions, stems from an inherit entitlement perpetuated by monotheistic religions and is my main gripe with organised religion (article pending). Pick me female and rape apologisers will argue the fact that she “assaulted” him first, despite the fact that American law allows individuals to stand their ground and supports acts of self defence. The moment he failed to adhere to her verbal and non verbal protests, was the first act of violence in that altercation. Despite its outdated portrayal or consent, its not the case that I found troubling but more Ally’s response to the case as her lawyer and as her friend. Ally in her typical W.W.W (white woman ways) demands that Renee take accountability for her hypersexualised nature in a manner adjacent to victim blaming and body shaming. She infers Renee’s decision to “lead him” and dress provocatively made her somewhat culpable in his attempt to rape, validating his sense of entitlement over body and to a justifying his case against her. I have never felt such rage in my life, as someone who wholeheartedly believe there’s a special place in hell for female victim blamers, I was ready to swing.

Although Renee’s accuser was a black man, the entire story arc (which spanned over 2 episodes) had strong undercurrents of racism. The dissection of Renee’s hypersexuality was traumatic; specifically the explanation of how Renee’s body developed early and how her curves were a source of shame was triggering. It echoed society’s failure to protect black girls based on fallacies of “appear grown” and sexually matured. The subscription to rape culture on primetime TV was sickening and made white women’s co-option of the “me too” movement all more infuriating. Ally McBeal’s portrayal as a modern feminist highlights why intersectionality needs to be at the forefront of feminism.

Fleeting Forever

Struggling to find other reasons
To alleviate the pain that you just love for me a season
Trying to understand why after my initial appeal
You fail to feel anything real
You’re contempt for me, you can no longer conceal

Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you stop this impending sorrow
The answer is no – you wont even like me in the evening
Your desire to be with me as fleeting
I can feel you love depleting

Feelings fleeting forever
Goodbye to the dreams of us ever being together
Good luck in all your future endeavors
Feelings fleeting forever contradiction in the pain
What was once feelings is now just distain